Being a step-parent or dating someone with a child is not easy. You never know how the children and the ex will react to you and your relationship. And on the top of this you need to deal with yourself all the feelings you’re experiencing.
The first thing you need to understand is it’s not about you! And this may be difficult at the beginning. But as soon as you get that, you can start to focus on creating a great future for all of you, understanding and most importantly respect each other.
Being The Second Wife and Step-mum
I started dating my husband back in 2014 when his daughter was four and even though I knew he had a child from the beginning, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t completely naïve, but there where lot of issues, feelings and upsets coming up which I wasn’t ready for.
I had a great relationship with my husband’s daughter straight away, which was a big plus. But I made the first year very difficult for everyone and myself. One day I was open to coaching and it took hours to sort it out.
My main issue was ‘I’ll be the SECOND wife’ and this was very difficult to process (it still creeps in sometimes). I didn’t know how to give-up these thoughts, it felt like a huge stigma. I thought ‘people will tell me he divorced once and he will do it again’ and ‘I never will be the first one’.
This ‘SECOND WIFE’ was source of all evil in my relationship. We had way too many arguments and I took responsibility for all of them. I had to give up trying to prove myself and change my approach. I’m still technically his second wife but I know for him I’m THE ONE.
His divorce and I
When I met my husband, he was about to start divorce with his ex-wife after some time of separation. They have a child together, so his ex-wife won’t be going anywhere, she’s a part of our lives.
The beginning was very difficult for us, sometime I think the person who took the divorce the best was his daughter. At the beginning nobody wanted to talk to anyone, so they got a mediator. Lesson ONE never ever have a friend of yours as your mediator!
Every conversation went thought numerous emails and it took ages to get anything done. There were still a lot of upsets and anger. They were not making any progress. One day I literally lost it and yelled at my husband, telling him that he needed to start talking to her directly. And he did, he picked up the phone and called her, from that moment things started to shift. I coached my husband how to give up his upset and anger over the past, how to communicate and understand his ex-wife. Not they are able to talk to each other and co-parent.
It’s like peeling an onion, you need to take layer after layer. There is always a new issue popping up as life goes on plus their daughter is getting older (can’t wait for her to be a teenager Yeyyyy!).
We both had to be coached so we don’t create our relationship on the past. My main issue was that I’ll be the second wife and I can’t ever give him his first child. It’s possible to get divorced on good terms, limit your anger, move on and find love again. But you need to take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do, learn how to communicate and listen.
LATELY ON MY BLOG
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