I was single and living in London when I met my now-husband in 2014. He was about to start the divorce process with his ex-wife after some time of separation. My stepdaughter was four that time and I had no idea why I’m so into a guy with so much baggage. He would normally be on my ‘NO-NO’ list but somehow, we clicked and got married four years later. I had a great relationship with my husband’s daughter straight away, which was a big plus. But I made the first year very difficult for everyone and myself.
I wasn’t completely naïve, but there were a lot of issues, feelings and upsets coming up which I wasn’t ready for.
My main issue was ‘I’ll be the SECOND wife’ and this was very difficult to process (it still creeps in sometimes). I didn’t know how to give up these thoughts, it felt like a huge stigma. I thought ‘people will tell me he divorced once, and he will do it again’ and ‘I never will be the first one’.
This ‘SECOND WIFE’ was the source of all evil in my relationship. We had way too many arguments and I took responsibility for all of them. I had to give up trying to prove myself and change my approach. I’m still technically his second wife but I know for him I’m THE ONE.
The process of his divorce was very difficult for us. Resentment, broken promises and hearts were playing a bit part in this and it’s understandable. But all conversations went thought numerous emails and it took ages to get anything done. They were not making any progress. One day I literally lost it and yelled at my now-husband ‘Just pick up the f***** phone and call her for f*** sake! WTF are you waiting for!’
And he did, he picked up the phone and called her, from that moment things started to shift. I coached my husband how to let of the resettlement and whatever happened in the past. How to communicate and understand his ex-wife. Now they can talk and co-parent together. I’m not taking all the credit, but he won’t be anywhere close to where he’s now. It’s possible to get divorced on good terms, limit your anger, move on and find love again. All we needed was the right support and help.
It’s like peeling an onion, you need to take layer after layer. There is always a new issue popping up as life goes on. We both had to be coached so we don’t create our relationship based on the past. You can find out more about me on Step in Mum Instagram.
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