I can guarantee that most of the upsets, arguments and drama in your house are because you can’t get over his ex-wife. You’re making her wrong, calling her narcissistic or toxic and most likely you’re enjoying it because it makes you look great in front of everyone else.
Trust me, I know how hard is to deal with his past every single day. You have to live with that he said, ‘I do!’ to someone else before, you can’t give him THE FIRST child, you don’t agree with her parenting style and much more.
These three bad habits will make impossible for you to move on:
NUMBER ONE: Calling her ………… (you fill up the blank)
You know she’s not going anywhere, and she’ll be always in life, right?!
You need to stop calling her ……………………… and ……………and especially …………………! NOW!!
Like it or not she’s a human being too! You’re not the only one who is having a difficult time to adjust to all the changes. Don’t dehumanise her. She has a name so use it!
NUMBER TWO: Creating or getting involved in toxic behaviour online
The problem with toxic people is that they’re enjoying drama and they make you feel bad about yourself or feed your toxic behaviour.
You need to be careful about two things when it comes to social media:
A. What and how you share
If, you want to have online verbal vomit on his ex, consider writing it down, DO NOT post it, read it again in 24 hours and see who you feel about it. Give yourself time to cool down. You never know who’ll read your post, it can somehow get to his ex or his children. Once you post it, it’s out there and OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!
B. Comments you received, write and read
Once I saw a Facebook post from a step-mum the mum of her step-children ‘Satan’, how horrible is that?! Watch out for any toxic behaviour that can trigger you, will make you feel bad about yourself, or feed your anger towards his ex-wife.
NUMBER THREE: Not willing to understand her and put yourself in her shoes
This may be the last thing you want to do because it’s easier to make her wrong, hate her, calling her names, laugh at her, make her small. But how you would feel if someone would do this to you?
I say it again NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES, NO MATTER WHO SHE IS, forget about things she said to or about you and put yourself into her shoes.
This helps you to understand why she is doing what she is doing, for example:
– You don’t agree with her parenting style and it drives you nuts.
Do you know anything about her background, her family, childhood, belief system? If not, you should invest a bit of your time to know these things. Just because she does things differently it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
– You think she is “crazy”, narcissistic, toxic or doing nasty things to you.
Stop and think: do you know what she is going though, how did she take the divorce, is she heartbroken, is she still in love with him? Does she hate him? What is like for her to be a single mum for her? Have you been crossing the line?
Now put yourself into her shoes! How would you handle your divorce, sharing kids with someone else, seeing your ex-husband move on and get married? Don’t tell me you would be ok. Even if you wouldn’t be interested in any way to get back with him the thought of him being happy and moving on faster take some time to digest. And please don’t feel sorry for her, just see her a woman who is trying her best to deal with her life.
No matter what she does and who she is you need to:
– work on yourself, your approach and communication
– take responsibility for ALL arguments you stated because of your jealousy and insecurity
– don’t dehumanise her
– put yourself in her shoes! Seriously! Do it and see how things will shift and your life will be easier
You can read more on how I over come to be the second wife in my other blog click here.