Let’s just jump into it! Here are three things I wish I told him earlier
I don’t know if I love your daughter
I still remember his face when I told him that I’m not sure if I love his daughter. This may sound horrible but at the beginning I didn’t love his daughter. What I’m going to say doesn’t really make sense, but I didn’t know if I’m ‘allowed’ to love her. Why? Because she is not my daughter and what if she gets too close to me? Will that hurt her mum? It goes back to ‘I’m not trying to replace her or steal her daughter’.
The pressure was on! I felt like a horrible person for not loving her. I could see how my step-daughter and I were trying to figure out each other back then. She said many times ‘I don’t want to upset my mummy’ even about a small thing. So, I panicked and built a little protective wall between us.
Getting this out of my chest helped me to understand that instead of thinking about it as loving someone’s else child I need to look at it as loving MY step-child and for who she is.
I wish I knew back then that I don’t have to love her, and she doesn’t have to love me. We treat each other with respect and in a way, we love each other. Love has different forms, meaning and stages. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t love your step-kids the way you think you should right now.
Our life would be so much easier without your past/present
Do you ever feel like you enter into your relationship with just a little purse and he brought at least six massive old fashion suitcases with him?
For years we’ve been dealing with his stuff and I wish we wouldn’t have to. His daughter and ex-wife are part of our life and they’re not going anywhere. We have two extra people to think about all the time. So yes, sometimes I think our life would be much easier without his past.
Even planning a holiday for us two can turn into a nightmare. We can’t go any time because of his schedule with his daughter or he needs to re-schedule it. My friends thought Mr K didn’t exist for years because any time there was a party, he had his daughter and I had to go alone.
Month ago, when I had my step-mum burnout I yelled at him that I wish that he would live, for at least one month, as a step-dad to my child. I was the one who was married before and he had to deal with what I’ve been dealing.
I know, it’s not nice but it’s true. I wish he would experience it! The moments when I felt guilty, jealous, angry and lost at the same time.
This bring me to ….
Put yourself in my shoes!! And your ex-wife shoes too!!
Men are wired differently! They don’t read between the lines and they need clear instructions. These are facts, not me being bitchy. Since I told him that he needs to put himself into my and his ex-wife shoes things have shifted. I wish I told him this earlier because he started seeing where we’re coming from.
He still doesn’t always agree with his ex, but he doesn’t make her wrong anymore. Of course, he still gets sometimes upset but now he understands why certain things are important for her.
Stepping into my shoes helped him to understand why I need some space, why I distanced from them, or why I wasn’t sure about loving his daughter.
I had to learn how to communicate with him and be intentional and clear, otherwise he would get lost in my loooooong BS chat. Short and clear sentences are the way how to communicate with men (again facts no bitching). If there is anything you’re holding in and it’s has negative impact on your relationship have a conversation with your partner TODAY, don’t wait!