Have you met a great guy, he is perfect BUT he has kids, so what now? Do you run or wait and see what happens? I was questioning myself a lot at the beginning. Why the hell I was doing it and was it all really worth it?
I don’t have a straight answer for you if you’re thinking about dating a single dad, it all depends on so many things:
- Is he over his ex?
- Is he open to having more kids and getting married again?
- Is he a good father? How does he talk about his kids?
- What do you have in common?
- Are you a jealous person?
….and many more
I married a great guy who is loving, funny, supportive and generous. Yes, he has a complicated past and child, but we can deal with it. We may have to work extra hard on our relationship. But if I would see any teeny-tiny red flags at the beginning I wouldn’t give him a chance .He wasn’t the one I made him the one!
- New type of jealousy & feelings
At the beginning of my relationship I put myself through hell. I really liked Mr. K but was asking myself if this was worth it on daily basis. You’ll be experiencing new types of jealousy and feelings! You have no idea! But I promise it goes away or can by manageable as long you work on yourself and your mindset. You really need to be open to go the extra mile, get a life coach, do whatever it takes to keep your sanity.
- Going out vs kid’s parties
Planning parties, going out or double dates will be twice more difficult than is now, especially if you don’t have kids yourself. If you’re person who loves to party and going out every weekend, get ready to go alone a lot (this is not necessarily a bad thing because you can do a lot of girl nights out). You can’t get mad at him if he doesn’t want to hire a babysitter and go out when he has his children every other weekend. You’ll need to go to some kid’s parties, meet parents you don’t necessarily want to and spend afternoons with them. It’s just a part of step-parenting. You have three options don’t go, only drop off the kids or his kids don’t go to parties on your husband’s weekends.
I can’t wait until my step-daughter is old enough to babysit our future kids … this will be my payback time 😊
- Don’t rush to meet the kids
I met my stepdaughter after we were dating for five months when we knew this is ‘IT’. We didn’t want to put any extra pressure on his daughter and our relationship. It was enough she had to go through her parent’s divorce, a second break up in a short period of time would be extremely hard for her. Please consider when to meet the kids especially if the divorce is still in process.
BTW we met with his ex-wife first, I totally respected her wish because be in her situation I would like to know with who my kid will be spending time too.
- Do you want the same things?
We talked about religion, politics, ex, kids and marriage on our first date. Neither of us wanted to waste our time. It’s important to know where you stand right at the beginning.
Having a blended family is hard enough, you both will have to make some compromises, but you can’t completely change who you’re for your partner. You’ll hate him one day if you do give up your dreams, goals and purpose for him. Don’t hesitate or wait for the right time, just talk to him before you get too involved in his life.
- The stigma is real
Get ready you might get looks, comments, being called homewrecker and the wicked step-mum. Unfortunately, there is still a stigma associated with being a step-mum and second wife, people could blame you for breaking his family even if you meet him ten years after his divorce (eyes rolled up). Don’t try to explain or justify yourself to people you don’t care about! It’s toxic and it keeps the stigma alive!
Check my other blog about 5 things I don’t like to hear as a step mum.
6. It’s not your war
This is probably the best advice I can give you if you’re considering getting serious with a single dad. Learn when to back off, take a back seat and don’t get involved with his shit too much.
Let him figure out how to deal with his mess and fatherhood. You want your man to be THE MAN, right? You want a man who can take control and clean up his shit. If he can’t sort out his issues and is not willing to do anything about them, RUN!!
Read more on how to avoid a step-mum burnout. Yes it’s a thing!
- You may feel like outsider for some time
It might take while to get their inside jokes, traditions and games so don’t get upset if you feel like you have no idea what’s going on. Think about your childhood, you had different traditions with your mum and dad too.
Let them to have ‘daddy & kids time’ and enjoy some ‘me time’. Find more how and why I have ‘me time’ every week.
8. Be compared to his ex
We all get compared at some point to our partner’s ex-partners but it’s usually just at the beginning when they introduce us to friends and family.
Once someone was married before and has had a children you will get constant updates on your performance. Luckily I got only positive ‘feedbacks’ on our relationship, wedding, my relationship with his family etc but it feels like never-ending toxic story. It can really mess with your head and you’ll be doing things for the wrong reasons (looking good and proving the ex wrong). Keep your mind clear and if people keep bringing his ex-wife up tell them to stop.
- Being number TWO … is not such a bad thing
This was the hardest thing for me to overcome. I drove myself crazy with being the second wife, it’s a long story and I wrote the whole blog on how to get over being the second wife.
Now I know I got a better version of him, he learnt from his mistakes and past, he respects himself and he will always work harder on our relationship.
- Be yourself
The worst thing you can do is pretend to be someone else, doing something you hate just for the kids. Be yourself and be honest they deserve it. Do you hate baking? Don’t bake with them! Get them involved in what you’re passionate about and you like to do.
I love David Attenborough’s documentaries (Blue planet etc.) so we watch them together and my step-daughter loves it! she’s asking me crazy questions and we do animal’s voiceovers. It’s is so much fun and nobody is pretending anything.
I can’t imagine my life without him, yes he drives me crazy but I gain so much from all the mess we went thought. Now I can share my journey with you and hopefully help you and people around to break the stigma of being step-mum and second wife.