As a step mum, you can struggle even if you’re not going thought crazy drama you hear or read about. It takes time to wrap your head around so many things, find your ‘place’ and find a good balance.
Here are 5 things where I went wrong (and wish I didn’t)
- Being certain she’s going to hate me
Movies, TV shows, social media even books are full of stories about how the first wife hates the new girlfriend, so I put my armor on and was ready for the war. I was so sure she’s going to hate me and was preparing myself for drama and arguments. I was even scared to hug her daughter in front of her because I thought it will make her angry.
I felt anxious and panicky all the time! I was ruining my life and relationship with overthinking and overanalysing. I decide to take a break from reading negative stuff and worked on how to get over being the second wife FIND OUT MORE HERE
Do you think the mum of your stepchildren hates you? Maybe it has nothing to do with you, maybe she just hates that he moved on or she’s still heartbroken. Maybe she is just taking all that anger and pain on you, but it has nothing to do with YOU! If you’re new in this don’t assume, she’ll hate you, be yourself and give it some time. You will all need it, including kids, ex and your partner.
- She’ll try to get him back
For the first four months of our relationship, I was worried that somehow his ex will try to get him back. I believed that their child could be the reason they would consider giving their marriage a second chance even though they were separated.
I knew my then partner is not interested in getting back together with her, but still, I had this little annoying voice in my head telling me to be careful.
Are you worried that he’ll go back to his ex? You need to have an open and straightforward conversation with your partner. I get that you probably don’t want to know all the details about their relationship, but I asked him about everything. I wanted to know about the good times as much about the bad times. This will help you to understand where you stand, it’s always better to know what’s going on even if it would be bad news for you.
- She’ll make sure her daughter will hate me
It brings me back to social media and TV, social media and other people stories. And yes, some mums make sure that kids will hate their dads and their new girlfriends, but this is not the story of every single blended family. Just because you read about it, doesn’t mean it will happen to you.
Do you think she is doing it? Before you get “insane” on her think first:
– Did I cross the line? Maybe you did something that really upset her, even if you didn’t mean it.
– Does this have something to do with me? Probably not, maybe she’s just hurt or mad at her ex, not you.
– What I can be responsible for? Crossing line, taking badly about her in front her kids, talking rubbing about her on social media, you and your partner are being ‘obsessed’ with making her wrong and she knows that. Check with yourself what can be done to improve/ transform your situation.
- Can we be friends?
Jeez!! one of my ideas was ‘things would be better if we all were friends!!’. I had this image in my head that we all would able to go out together, having dinners or enjoy a glass of wine with his ex. I went from one extreme to others, I’m laughing while writing this, way for the next point.
In the first two years, I was so confused and didn’t know what to do, I was trying everything! It took me a while to get that a friendship between the mum and step mum is possible only when:
a. They both want to create friendship; it takes two to tango, right?
b. If the parents are on good terms and friends. You can’t expect to be BFF with his ex-wife if they can’t stand each other.
We might be friends one day, who knows, but now it’s important to have a good relationship and creating a happy blended family.
Yes, I hid a few times because I didn’t want to see her. I rather stayed in the car, went to have a shower or did other silly things just to avoid her. We never had a problem, but I found very difficult to face my own insecurity, envy or other crap I had I my head especially in the first two years. I shared this with my now husband, and he found it bizarre, why I would have an issue to see her.
Being the second wife (new girlfriend) is not easy, I still need to work on myself and the first few years I had no f**** idea what I was doing. So yes, hiding sounds like a good idea back then. With that said, I don’t recommend doing it. Face what your fears, work on yourself and find what and why triggers you.
Check my other blogs for step mums HERE to make your journey easier.